So what now?

All day I have been sentimental. You just don't have Saturday's conversation and walk away dry eyeed and clear headed, unless your a total jerk or have some sort of psychotic personality disorder where you can't feel emotions. Since Saturday's conversation I've been thinking of my ex. He's all that has been on my mind. For the last three years I had convinced myself that he was evil incarnate and I had managed to move on and his memory was in the recycle bin. But now all that work has gone to crap. All the time and energy it took to imagine him being evil incarnate has shattered with one conversation. He explained the reasons why he left and they were totally different then what I thought. It's still not a good reason to leave but now knowing his perspective or should I call it his "story", it doesn't seem so bad. However, my girlfriends are quick to point out that his version or not, he still left without warning. Therefore still making him a coward and a piece of crap.

Today, I was crying at my cube. I had to put the big flat screen monitor in front of me so my nosey coworkers couldn't tell I was in the middle of an emotional breakdown. "I'm over him, and our relationship" I kept telling myself as I fought back tears all day. I have to get a grip.

Earlier today my ex had emailed me saying he would wire me 2K via Western Union in order to reimbursue me for paying for our divorce. At the Western Union place the clerk wanted to give me the entire 2K with bills but I was like no way am I walking around with that type of cash so I got them to turn it into two money orders. I didn't want the money because it felt "dirty" but my ex insisted. Accepting that money felt like receiving payment for a business transaction. Like if he was paying me out for our failed marriage. Worst even, it felt like it was the the end. Like him sending me that money was the last step on his road to closure and suddenly I became gripped with fear that I would never hear from him again. Like if him sending me that money signified the end of ever having contact again. I guess I feel worst because it would mean the end on his terms not mine.

When I got home from the Western Union place I emailed him telling him I received the money and he wrote back "thank you and I'm sorry", and for me not to say "thank you" to him for sending the money. I guess he was thanking me for accepting it. So I wrote back "don't tell me sorry and I won't thank you, is that a deal?" and he wrote back "it's a deal". I didn't write him back after that for fear of seeming overly eager. But he never wrote back. Since I got home I've been checking my emails and even logged on to msn messenger appearing offline but he was not there and has not written anything. On Saturday we had what I felt was a heart felt conversation and he asked me if we could still talk and even said he still had feelings for me, I'm afraid this was all part of his closure plan and that the final step was sending the money. I'm afaid that I won't hear from him ever again. I was telling my girlfriend that and she agreed with me. I'm really afraid of that. I thought I didn't want to hear from him but now that I have it's like I can't get enough. I really like seeing his name in my email box. I'm out of control. I need to get a grip before I get screwed over. What can I do? I'm just trying to be objective and think that if it's meant to be it will find a way. I feel like crap now. I'm glad my boyfriend is not here to see me, he would totally be able to tell something was up.