The Past Comes Full Circle

Yesterday was weird.....

I received a message via email from Facebook. It said that someone had sent me a message. When I saw that it was my ex-husband who was emailing me it made me sad. Even though I have received email messages via Facebook from him before, it is always strange and painful, just to read his name in my email box.

Things ended badly for us. The last time I saw him was at the airport where he told me "I'll see you in two weeks" and never came back from his home country. At first I thought he would return but as the days dragged into weeks then into months I realized he was gone. Many useless days and nights were filled with crying, pleading and calling him to come back and asking myself the question "why". He left, just like that, and of course without warning he never returned. Slowly, the rational side of me told myself that I had to find closure on my own because he wasn't going to come back and give it to me and there had been no last conversation or last goodbye. I decided that I could no longer live that way and that I could not allow any more time or energy to be spent on someone who was so not worth any minimal emotion or effort. I decided to change all means of communication with me. I changed my phone number, cell phone number, and email etc. I started a new.

Over the past three years the only way he has been able to "communicate" with me is via Facebook by sending messages to my email. I have always ignored his emails which basicly said "we need to talk". Since things ended badly, I guess his guilty conscious was getting the best of him or who knows. In most of the mails he asked if we were divorced and if so if he could have a copy of the divorce decree (he lives in another country and it's hard for him to get a copy). He said we had to talk and that he was terribly sorry about how things ended and that he had important things to say to me. I never paid attention to his emails and just have been deleting them for the past three years. However, this time around I don't know why or how come I decided to add him to my msn messenger and message him. When I added him I saw that he was offline but I sent him an instant message anyway that just said "hi". The next time I logged in (which I rarely do) I saw that he had messaged me saying "thank you for contacting me, let's talk soon".

Today, I logged on and he messaged me. We talked superficially and it seemed that we were both guarded. Some pieces of the conversation still had his arrogance. For example, I wrote that I had moved on with that part of my life. He proceeded to write that he had also moved on. I was thinking "If you have moved on then why are you contacting me"? So we "chatted" for a short time because his internet server kept going down. He said he was going to get internet on Saturday, and that we should be able to talk better afterwards. The discussion was more like "are we divorced", "yes". "Can you send me a copy of the divorce decree", "yes". He blamed both of us for the break up, but said that most of it was his fault. He told me how guilty he felt everyday, and that he has to look in the mirror everyday and know that he was a coward when he left without warning. The whole time I tried to be very cool and collected. I kept typing and earsing what I wrote as I tried to find the right words that would make me sound cool and aloof. I could see that he was doing the same. In my attempt, I said that everything is in the past and that he should leave it there like I had. I told him that I had no hard feelings and that he should move on and that I had. With his usual arrogance, he said that he had moved on and that he had a good life but that he needed the divorce decree in order to totally move on. I didn't like his answer it hurt, but I said that I would send it to him and he said he would reimburse me the money that I spent on the divorce. Over and over he kept saying "I'm sorry".

It seemed that the conversation we had on msn messenger was more for him. For his guilt. He told me that he had been waiting for that conversation for a long time and that he had so much to say, but that now that we were "speaking", chatting actually, he did not know where to start or what to say.

To this day I have not seen him. I don't know if I ever want to. It's like for what? One thing that I know is if I ever see him I have to make sure I look damn good.

Damn Facebook, and how it has the power to bring people from your past back!
Anyway, I take comfort in knowing that karma is and will be a bigger bitch then I could ever be.