Closure Is So Overrated

I'm so sad, and so disappointed in myself. I've been thinking of "him" all week since we talked on msn messenger. The last time I heard from him was on Monday when he emailed me that he had wired the 2K. I've been checking my email and msn messenger to see if he would appear but no luck. I don't know what to think anymore. I am deep in sadness and despair. It's like I'm reliving emotions from three years ago that I had so carefully stored away. I thought I had moved on. I'm out of control and I find my behavior sickening, especially because he now has so much power over me and I have lost all rationality. It's disgusting.

I thought I had closure but last Saturday's stupid conversation sent it out the door and opened many old wounds. I wonder is he feeling the same way? Is he having the same emotional breakdown as I am? Did he by giving me the 2K reach his closure and now he doesn't want to talk to me ever again (I'm scared that is the case)? When will I hear from him again? Does he miss me? Am I on his mind? Did our conversation open old wounds for him too? Argh this i so frustrating, especially when I thought I had moved on!!!

Last Saturday, he told me we were soulmates and you don't tell someone "you and I both know we are soulmates" and then not talk to them again!?!? Why did he say that? Did he mean it? Is he just messig with me? I have so many questions that are unanswered. His parting words were "we will talk again, right? You won't disappear?" and I answered "Yes, we will talk". I keep checking my email and msn and he is not there.

The relationship I am in is currently going to crap. I had planned to move with him to San Francisco where he found a good job but now I don't know anymore. I'm doubting everything and we keep arguing about stupid things. Everything phone call turns into an argument, I don't know how long that will go on. He doesn't trust me for having emailed my ex and I don't trust him for breaking into my email. Some people tell me to leave him because he violated my email but other tell me to stay and work it out. I don't know. All I know is that we don't trust each other and there is no way that I will be moving to San Francisco if he is not feeling 100% about me. I may be out of control but I am not stupid. My boyfriend says he loves me and that he wants to marry me but that he can not trust me for talking to my ex. Some people tell me and I think they are correct, that he won't stop breaking into my email. Especially when he justified it. He said he did it because he knew I was acting weird and even though it's wrong under the circumstances he had a right. Does that seem right to you? To me it sounds like excuses. His latest thing is that last night while we were talking on the phone he was asking me to go visit him in San Francisco and I mentioned that I had to see about prices for the airfare and he said "oh, yeah I forgot that money was important to you". So he threw the 2K in my face, great.

I keep crying all the time. I'm an emotional wreck. I need to get with it. What can I do?