Porque me importa?

No se porque todavia me interesa saber de mi ex. Es un sentiminto estupido. La parte realista y analitica de mi dice que porque me importa? Que el aunque en su momento me amo, solo me hizo sufrir y es una person egoista que solo ve por el y nunca tomo responsibilidad por sus acciones. No se, tal vez quiero saber que el esta sufriendo por mi o que tal vez me recuerda. Porque quiero saber de el? Porque me importa? Ojala que pronto se me quite este sentimiento estupido porque no vale la pena pensar en alguien que no piensa en ti. Ayer, me entere que mi novio de secundaria se divorcio.

What Is A Sociopath?

Profile of the Sociopath
This website summarizes some of the common features of descriptions of the behavior of sociopaths.

Glibness and Superficial Charm
Manipulative and Conning They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

Grandiose Sense of Self Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."
Pathological Lying Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

Shallow Emotions When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

Incapacity for Love

Need for Stimulation Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

Callousness/Lack of Empathy Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.

Irresponsibility/Unreliability Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.

Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.

Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

Other Related Qualities:
Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them
Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
Authoritarian
Secretive
Paranoid
Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
Conventional appearance
Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life
Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)
Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
Incapable of real human attachment to another
Unable to feel remorse or guilt
Extreme narcissism and grandiose
May state readily that their goal is to rule the world (The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.)

NOTE: In the 1830's this disorder was called "moral insanity." By 1900 it was changed to "psychopathic personality." More recently it has been termed "antisocial personality disorder" in the DSM-III and DSM-IV. Some critics have complained that, in the attempt to rely only on 'objective' criteria, the DSM has broadened the concept to include too many individuals. The APD category includes people who commit illegal, immoral or self-serving acts for a variety of reasons and are not necessarily psychopaths.

I haven't heard from him

I still have not heard from my ex. It's seriously hurting.

Closure Is So Overrated

I'm so sad, and so disappointed in myself. I've been thinking of "him" all week since we talked on msn messenger. The last time I heard from him was on Monday when he emailed me that he had wired the 2K. I've been checking my email and msn messenger to see if he would appear but no luck. I don't know what to think anymore. I am deep in sadness and despair. It's like I'm reliving emotions from three years ago that I had so carefully stored away. I thought I had moved on. I'm out of control and I find my behavior sickening, especially because he now has so much power over me and I have lost all rationality. It's disgusting.

I thought I had closure but last Saturday's stupid conversation sent it out the door and opened many old wounds. I wonder is he feeling the same way? Is he having the same emotional breakdown as I am? Did he by giving me the 2K reach his closure and now he doesn't want to talk to me ever again (I'm scared that is the case)? When will I hear from him again? Does he miss me? Am I on his mind? Did our conversation open old wounds for him too? Argh this i so frustrating, especially when I thought I had moved on!!!

Last Saturday, he told me we were soulmates and you don't tell someone "you and I both know we are soulmates" and then not talk to them again!?!? Why did he say that? Did he mean it? Is he just messig with me? I have so many questions that are unanswered. His parting words were "we will talk again, right? You won't disappear?" and I answered "Yes, we will talk". I keep checking my email and msn and he is not there.

The relationship I am in is currently going to crap. I had planned to move with him to San Francisco where he found a good job but now I don't know anymore. I'm doubting everything and we keep arguing about stupid things. Everything phone call turns into an argument, I don't know how long that will go on. He doesn't trust me for having emailed my ex and I don't trust him for breaking into my email. Some people tell me to leave him because he violated my email but other tell me to stay and work it out. I don't know. All I know is that we don't trust each other and there is no way that I will be moving to San Francisco if he is not feeling 100% about me. I may be out of control but I am not stupid. My boyfriend says he loves me and that he wants to marry me but that he can not trust me for talking to my ex. Some people tell me and I think they are correct, that he won't stop breaking into my email. Especially when he justified it. He said he did it because he knew I was acting weird and even though it's wrong under the circumstances he had a right. Does that seem right to you? To me it sounds like excuses. His latest thing is that last night while we were talking on the phone he was asking me to go visit him in San Francisco and I mentioned that I had to see about prices for the airfare and he said "oh, yeah I forgot that money was important to you". So he threw the 2K in my face, great.

I keep crying all the time. I'm an emotional wreck. I need to get with it. What can I do?

So what now?

All day I have been sentimental. You just don't have Saturday's conversation and walk away dry eyeed and clear headed, unless your a total jerk or have some sort of psychotic personality disorder where you can't feel emotions. Since Saturday's conversation I've been thinking of my ex. He's all that has been on my mind. For the last three years I had convinced myself that he was evil incarnate and I had managed to move on and his memory was in the recycle bin. But now all that work has gone to crap. All the time and energy it took to imagine him being evil incarnate has shattered with one conversation. He explained the reasons why he left and they were totally different then what I thought. It's still not a good reason to leave but now knowing his perspective or should I call it his "story", it doesn't seem so bad. However, my girlfriends are quick to point out that his version or not, he still left without warning. Therefore still making him a coward and a piece of crap.

Today, I was crying at my cube. I had to put the big flat screen monitor in front of me so my nosey coworkers couldn't tell I was in the middle of an emotional breakdown. "I'm over him, and our relationship" I kept telling myself as I fought back tears all day. I have to get a grip.

Earlier today my ex had emailed me saying he would wire me 2K via Western Union in order to reimbursue me for paying for our divorce. At the Western Union place the clerk wanted to give me the entire 2K with bills but I was like no way am I walking around with that type of cash so I got them to turn it into two money orders. I didn't want the money because it felt "dirty" but my ex insisted. Accepting that money felt like receiving payment for a business transaction. Like if he was paying me out for our failed marriage. Worst even, it felt like it was the the end. Like him sending me that money was the last step on his road to closure and suddenly I became gripped with fear that I would never hear from him again. Like if him sending me that money signified the end of ever having contact again. I guess I feel worst because it would mean the end on his terms not mine.

When I got home from the Western Union place I emailed him telling him I received the money and he wrote back "thank you and I'm sorry", and for me not to say "thank you" to him for sending the money. I guess he was thanking me for accepting it. So I wrote back "don't tell me sorry and I won't thank you, is that a deal?" and he wrote back "it's a deal". I didn't write him back after that for fear of seeming overly eager. But he never wrote back. Since I got home I've been checking my emails and even logged on to msn messenger appearing offline but he was not there and has not written anything. On Saturday we had what I felt was a heart felt conversation and he asked me if we could still talk and even said he still had feelings for me, I'm afraid this was all part of his closure plan and that the final step was sending the money. I'm afaid that I won't hear from him ever again. I was telling my girlfriend that and she agreed with me. I'm really afraid of that. I thought I didn't want to hear from him but now that I have it's like I can't get enough. I really like seeing his name in my email box. I'm out of control. I need to get a grip before I get screwed over. What can I do? I'm just trying to be objective and think that if it's meant to be it will find a way. I feel like crap now. I'm glad my boyfriend is not here to see me, he would totally be able to tell something was up.

Reflecting on a comment.

Yesterday, while at my boss's office she said, "have you seen the new Staffing Department manager?" and I said 'No". Then she said "she is such a JAP". I must have given her the deer in the headlights look because she proceeded to tell me "you know, with all the gold jewelry and big hair". I was like wow, doesn't she know I'm Jewish? I guess thinking of me as hispanic makes her more comfortable and how does she know the new Staffing Department manager is Jewish? Did she take a survey? I guess because she is black she has the right to discriminate against everyone else.

Marriage, is it really that holy?

Ok, my co-worker (friend) tonight, over a ton of Margaritas,confessed that she slept with one of our managers while on a business trip. Not like I didn't see that coming, they have always had this sexual chemistry about them. I guess she is guilt ridden because he is married and she has a live in boyfriend. However, we all know that his marriage is a sham, and that the only reason that he got married was because he knocked up his wife. He would have never married her in the first place if she hadn't gotten pregnant.

Is marriage, even when it's done under the wrong pretenses, still sacred?

The guy (our manager) really wants to start a new life with her (he has two kids, and she has two kids from a previous marriage). He even wants to leave his wife and said he could be divorced in four months. However, she is majorly holding back because she doesn't want to be a homewrecker and break up a marriage. She is ridden in her Christian guilt is drowning her and told me that she doesn't want to burn in hell. I told her that she should have thought of that before she pulled down her panties.

I don't know how to answer her. I don't want to encourage her for fear that G-d will unleash his fury on me for encouraging the break up of a marriage, but yet I know the marriage is a sham. They are both miserabe in their current relationships and their current partners are not saints either. I guess the safest thing is just to keep my mouth shut.

Cuando Termina El Amorr

"Conocer el amor de los que amamos es el fuego que alimenta la vida." Pablo Neruda
"Es tan corto el amor y tan largo el olvido." Pablo Neruda

Cancion: Asi Fue
Perdona si te hago llorar
Perdona si te hago sufrir
Pero es que no estaba en mis manos
Pero es que no estaba en mis manos
Me he enamorado
Me he enamorado
Me enamoré

Perdona si te causo dolor
Perdona si te digo adiós
¿Cómo decirle que te amo?
¿Cómo decirle que te amo?
Si el me ha preguntado
Yo le dije que no
Yo le dije que no

Soy honesta con el y contigo
A el lo quiero y a ti te he olvidado
Si tú quieres seremos amigos
Yo te ayudo a olvidar el pasado
No te aferres
Ya no te aferres
A un imposible
Ya no te hagas
Ni me hagas más daño
Ya no

Tu bien sabes que no fue mi culpa
Tú te fuiste y sin decirme nada
Y a pesar que lloré como nunca
Ya no seguías de mi enamorado
Luego te fuiste
Y que regresabas
No me dijiste
Y sin más nada
Por qué no sé
Pero fue así
Así fue

Te brindé la mejor de las suertes
Yo me propuse no hablarte, no verte
Y hoy que has vuelto ya de eso no hay nada
Ya no debo no puedo quererte
Ya no te amo
Me he enamorado
De un ser divino
De un buen amor
Que me enseñó a olvidar
Y a perdonar

Soy honesta con el y contigo
A el lo quiero y a ti te he olvidado
Pero si tú quieres seremos amigos
Yo te ayudo a olvidar el pasado
No te aferres
Ya no te aferres
A un imposible
Ya no te hagas
Ni me hagas más daño
Ya no
Ya no

Where was the sale?

Today, Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner and Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke wore identical blue ties for their testimony before Congress today.

The Past Comes Full Circle

Yesterday was weird.....

I received a message via email from Facebook. It said that someone had sent me a message. When I saw that it was my ex-husband who was emailing me it made me sad. Even though I have received email messages via Facebook from him before, it is always strange and painful, just to read his name in my email box.

Things ended badly for us. The last time I saw him was at the airport where he told me "I'll see you in two weeks" and never came back from his home country. At first I thought he would return but as the days dragged into weeks then into months I realized he was gone. Many useless days and nights were filled with crying, pleading and calling him to come back and asking myself the question "why". He left, just like that, and of course without warning he never returned. Slowly, the rational side of me told myself that I had to find closure on my own because he wasn't going to come back and give it to me and there had been no last conversation or last goodbye. I decided that I could no longer live that way and that I could not allow any more time or energy to be spent on someone who was so not worth any minimal emotion or effort. I decided to change all means of communication with me. I changed my phone number, cell phone number, and email etc. I started a new.

Over the past three years the only way he has been able to "communicate" with me is via Facebook by sending messages to my email. I have always ignored his emails which basicly said "we need to talk". Since things ended badly, I guess his guilty conscious was getting the best of him or who knows. In most of the mails he asked if we were divorced and if so if he could have a copy of the divorce decree (he lives in another country and it's hard for him to get a copy). He said we had to talk and that he was terribly sorry about how things ended and that he had important things to say to me. I never paid attention to his emails and just have been deleting them for the past three years. However, this time around I don't know why or how come I decided to add him to my msn messenger and message him. When I added him I saw that he was offline but I sent him an instant message anyway that just said "hi". The next time I logged in (which I rarely do) I saw that he had messaged me saying "thank you for contacting me, let's talk soon".

Today, I logged on and he messaged me. We talked superficially and it seemed that we were both guarded. Some pieces of the conversation still had his arrogance. For example, I wrote that I had moved on with that part of my life. He proceeded to write that he had also moved on. I was thinking "If you have moved on then why are you contacting me"? So we "chatted" for a short time because his internet server kept going down. He said he was going to get internet on Saturday, and that we should be able to talk better afterwards. The discussion was more like "are we divorced", "yes". "Can you send me a copy of the divorce decree", "yes". He blamed both of us for the break up, but said that most of it was his fault. He told me how guilty he felt everyday, and that he has to look in the mirror everyday and know that he was a coward when he left without warning. The whole time I tried to be very cool and collected. I kept typing and earsing what I wrote as I tried to find the right words that would make me sound cool and aloof. I could see that he was doing the same. In my attempt, I said that everything is in the past and that he should leave it there like I had. I told him that I had no hard feelings and that he should move on and that I had. With his usual arrogance, he said that he had moved on and that he had a good life but that he needed the divorce decree in order to totally move on. I didn't like his answer it hurt, but I said that I would send it to him and he said he would reimburse me the money that I spent on the divorce. Over and over he kept saying "I'm sorry".

It seemed that the conversation we had on msn messenger was more for him. For his guilt. He told me that he had been waiting for that conversation for a long time and that he had so much to say, but that now that we were "speaking", chatting actually, he did not know where to start or what to say.

To this day I have not seen him. I don't know if I ever want to. It's like for what? One thing that I know is if I ever see him I have to make sure I look damn good.

Damn Facebook, and how it has the power to bring people from your past back!
Anyway, I take comfort in knowing that karma is and will be a bigger bitch then I could ever be.